Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Fun: Chuck Norris Facts

I am not in the cult of Chuck Norris - the man has let me down too many times. His movies have the greatest titles (e.g. Good Guys Wear Black, A Force of One, The Octagon, An Eye for an Eye) but they all suck. Immense suckitude. A hallmark of a Norris film, besides the vicious title, is to sport one three second scene that looks totally awesome.... and that is it. That scene will be proudly displayed in the trailers (probably more than once in different exposures) but you will be required to wait 90 minutes of rotten acting to see those good three seconds.

As such, Norris does not rate. A good contrast is Steven Seagal; his movies have decent bloodthirsty "Norris-esque" titles (e.g. Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Marked for Death, Out for Justice) but there's constant vicious violence in every onscreen minute. Seagal - in his early movies, the last one I've allowed myself to see is "Glimmer Man" - breaks people in half better than anybody before or since. Hands down. One scene in "Out for Justice" in particular where he slays an entire bar using a cue-ball in a hankerchief. It gives me a headache just thinking of it.

However, the cult *about* Norris is great. As opposed to the cult *of*, the cult *about* is to consider Norris the most absurdly ferocious human alive. It's based, I believe, on how cheezy his movies/TV shows are and how clumsily he attacks people. Maybe. At least that's how I appreciate the cult. This is seen in Conan O'Brian's weird Chuck Norris sketches.

I have now discovered (much later than most of humanity) a website based on this cult, called "Chuck Norris Facts" - based on evil little T-Shirt slogans about Norris' prowess. I have reprinted the ones I like below (note, I have modified some of these for elegance):

The Facts
  1. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
  2. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
  3. There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
  4. Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
  5. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
  6. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
  7. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  8. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
  9. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
  10. Chuck Norris-is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
  11. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
  12. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  13. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
  14. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
  15. Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
  16. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  17. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
  18. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
  19. Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
  20. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  21. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
  22. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
  23. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  24. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  25. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  26. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
  27. If, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win.
  28. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
  29. Ultimate Fighting Championship's full name is“Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
  30. Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
  31. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
  32. Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
  33. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
  34. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
  35. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
  36. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
  37. Chuck Norris sank the Titanic.
  38. Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris.
  39. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
  40. When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
  41. Chuck Norris can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
  42. He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
  43. Staring at Chuck Norris without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and foot sized brusies on the face.
  44. Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
  45. The only sure things are Death, Taxes and Chuck Norris.
  46. To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
  47. 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
  48. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
  49. All roads lead to Chuck Norris.
  50. In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Syndrome"
  51. The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
  52. Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce instead of Visine.
  53. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
  54. Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
  55. They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat.
  56. Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
  57. The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
  58. Chuck Norris beats the odds. With his fists.
  59. Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the Richter scale.
  60. Chuck Norris once kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
  61. There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
  62. If a tree falls in the forest, and no-one else is around, Chuck Norris hears it.
  63. Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
  64. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
  65. Chuck Norris doesn't go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
  66. In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
  67. Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
  68. As a child, Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself.
  69. Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
  70. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
  71. Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
  72. Chuck Norris invented the apple.
  73. Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too.
  74. Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.
  75. Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
  76. Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
  77. Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.
  78. Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.
  79. Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.
  80. Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
  81. Chuck Norris can in fact stop the beat.
  82. Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

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