Polygamy and Pilegesh

I was at a conference on Monday at the HBI with the topic: "Polygamy, Polygyny, and Polyamory: Ethical and Legal Perspectives on Plural Marriage." Now I naturally went to the conference expecting that a massively feminist organization like the Hadassah-Brandeis Institute would *oppose* polygyny (multiple wives), polyandry (multiple husbands) maybe, but definitely not polygyny. I based this on my own knowledge of the practice which basically treats women as property and was eliminated from Western and Jewish tradition through the combined force of the otherwise disenfranchised women. It's in fact the best proof that women had 'unofficial' power over the past few centuries.

Well, was *I* in for a surprise. I was only able to go to the first and third sessions (see the above link for the schedule) but that first session was the weirdest, most disturbing, academic panel I'd ever heard. It was filled with pro-polygamy weirdos and the audience, filled with feminists, didn't grab pitchforks and torches - rather they seemed to find the whole thing awesome.

How?! Well, in the airy academic world of anti-empiricism, all that's necessary is to have a compelling *idea* plus one or two anecdotes, and you're all set with a policy proposal! These doofi don't seem to bother with thinking about what the future would look like once the plans are implemented; I guess that's why communism is alive and well in the academy even though it's dead in every country it's been attempted.

There were some sane people in the crew. Prof. Elimelech Westreich, gave a detailed talk on polygamy in halakha, and the best stuff was from Prof. Alean Al-Krenawi who has published studies on the psychological impact of polygamy. His work shows that there's severe unhappiness and anomie in polygamous families. His was the last talk and I could see that he was nearly quivering with frustration and how all these progressives were seriously accepting what he knows to be a retrograde, and even evil, practice.

Yet, the biggest repudiation needs to be given to Prof. Zvi Zohar who spoke about his advocacy for pilagshut, a.k.a. Biblical concubinage (see above for "weird and disturbing"). His article, and a bunch of other wickedness, is found here.

Zohar's point is that there are many current social problems - a singles crisis, an agunah crisis, and his main focus: the crisis of liberal Orthodox Jews who wait until their 30s to get married but want to have sex in their 20s - that can be solved by re-instating 'pilegesh.'

To put it simply, Zohar's idea is both pernicious and ignorant. Pernicious because it will cause many more social problems than it would possibly solve, and of those it cares about, the only thing that will be helped is guiltless sleeping around. It will actually prolong the singles crisis, it won't help agunahs because he acknowledges that people will eventually get married anyway. So all he wants to do is allow nominally-frum Jews to sleep around. Yipee. It's basically the equivalent of saying "people are driving to shul, so let's just make driving OK on Shabbat!" And boy did that work out.

It's ignorant because he actually read the "Pilegesh at Giva" story as somehow advocating pilagshut instead of it being a CLEARLY OBVIOUS ATTACK ON PILAGSHUT. Its kinda like reading the golden calf episode as a support for golden idols.

Anyway, I will end my trashing of his idea with one of my favorite Onion stories: "Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants"

Onion's Silent Mockery

It's disturbing how the Onion can write an article that silently mocks my secret dreams: Tow-Truck Driver Has Great Idea For Tow-Truck Movie; except, naturally, my movie idea involves a vampire-hunting rabbi. Just like my real life.

Pic from this amazon mini-book - an even more disturbing development for my movie idea...

Irkutsk is Real

As you well know, the Onion is one of the finest sources of truth and wisdom; an example:

Risk Champ Flunks Geography Test
December 15, 2004 | Issue 40•50

ALBANY, NY—Alfred Wu, the 13-year-old winner of the 2004 East Coast Risk Championship, flunked his 8th-grade world-geography test, social-studies teacher Jane Laurent reported Monday. "His test paper was filled with names like Kamchatka and Yakutsk, and the Ukraine spread over half of Europe," Laurent said. "And, by his account, the U.S. is made up of only three states: Eastern United States, Western United States, and Alaska." Last week, Wu received an "F" on a paper he wrote about Napoleonic military Stratego.

Except, as I found out recently when looking at a map of the Former Soviet Union, these Risk provinces are now back in play.

For example, see this recent news story (from Vos-Iz-Neias) about a synagogue in Irkutsk!: Irkutsk, Russia - After 70 Million Rubles A 130-Year-Old Synagogue Fully Restored

The Robots Are Already Here

Holy frackin' frijoles! Remember this day as the one when you were told that the Martix-Terminator warnings have been ignored.

Read this story by P.W. Singer (h/t Sullivan):

The irony is that for all the claims by military, political, and scientific leaders that “humans will always be in the loop,” as far back as 2004 the U.S. Army was carrying out research that demonstrated the merits of armed ground robots equipped with a "quick-draw response." Similarly, a 2006 study by the Defense Safety Working Group, in the Office of the Secretary of Defense, discussed how the concerns over potential killer robots could be allayed by giving "armed autonomous systems" permission to "shoot to destroy hostile weapons systems but not suspected combatants." That is, they could shoot at tanks and jeeps, just not the people in them. Perhaps most telling is a report that the Joint Forces Command drew up in 2005, which suggested that autonomous robots on the battlefield would be the norm within 20 years. Its title is somewhat amusing, given the official line one usually hears: Unmanned Effects: Taking the Human Out of the Loop.

So, despite what one article called "all the lip service paid to keeping a human in the loop," auton­omous armed robots are coming to war. They simply make too much sense to the people who matter.

This is happening, even with the Onion proposing the absurdity of it all (Scientists Abandon AI Project After Seeing The Matrix). Foolish earthlings!

Pic from here.

Onion's Bush: Conclusion

As I said here, the Onion has been printing over the past few weeks humorous - yet disgusting - stories of Bush being horribly, painfully maimed. My theory was that the Onion writers hate Bush as much as I do and realize that to write about his death may be treasonous, but there should be nothing to alarm the Secret Service if you etch a jocular tale of Bush having his testicles eaten by a crocodile... leaving the 43rd President in castrated pain.

So the series seems to have come to an end today; and proving my analysis correct, the last entry in this series is the death of Bush - achieved when it's no longer (possibly) illegal to write as such.

See the last 4 here:

Bush's Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall
December 8, 2008 | Issue 44•50
WASHINGTON — President George W. Bush sustained a perforation injury to his right eyelid when a pneumatic nail gun malfunctioned and shot a 12-centimeter-long iron nail that entered Bush's superonasal sclera, exited through his upper eyelid, and then penetraed the wall of the White House Blue Room. The president remained pinned to the wall for a period of 27 hours before help arrived. According to witnesses, Bush was found passed out with blood dripping from his right tear duct. Doctors confirmed that the intraocular foreign body was removed during a four-hour operation Sunday, and reported significant damage to Bush's supratrochlear nerve, likely caused by the president's unsuccessful attempt to forcibly rip his eyelid in half to escape. It is unclear whether he will ever regain sight in his right eye. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

Single-Engine Cessna Crashes Into Bush
January 6, 2009 | Issue 45•02
CAMP DAVID, MD—The Federal Aviation Administration said engine failure was to blame for a pilot losing control of a four-seater Cessna aircraft that crashed head-on into President Bush Thursday. According to the FAA report, the nose of the Cessna 350 impacted with the president's face at 110 mph, instantly killing pilot James Morris, 45. Bush reportedly suffered third-degree burns on 95 percent of his body, a broken spine, 20 shattered ribs, one collapsed lung, a basilar skull fracture, and minor leakage of cerebrospinal fluid. Bush, who had been hiking alone in an isolated region of the 125-acre presidential retreat before the accident, was trapped under the burning engine block for 45 minutes before rescue crews reached the crash site. While doctors said they worked swiftly to remove the smoldering wreckage from the president's body, much of the plane's burning debris had already fused to his skeleton before he could be airlifted from the scene. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

Spider Eggs Hatch In Bush's Brain
January 14, 2009 | Issue 45•03
WASHINGTON—President Bush collapsed to the floor of the Oval Office during a meeting with advisers when spiderlings hatched from thousands of egg sacs affixed between the hemispheres of his brain, according to a White House memo released Monday. The spiders severed the president's corpus callosum and ate through the motor-control center of the brain, doctors said, causing Bush's body to jerk involuntarily as a scurrying mass of crab spiders emerged from his mouth and crawled down his face. Witnesses confirmed that a number of spiders also discharged from the president's tear ducts. Secret Service agents restrained the president and carried him to the White House medical facility, but doctors said that by the time Bush arrived, the arachnids had already consumed his corneas, pupils, and vitreous humor. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

Bush Dies Peacefully In His Sleep
January 20, 2009 | Issue 45•04
WASHINGTON—George W. Bush, 43rd president of the United States of America, passed away painlessly in his sleep Monday night, White House sources confirmed. The 62-year-old Bush was reportedly discovered lying unresponsive in his bed by first lady Laura Bush, a gentle smile still on his lips. "It was as though he knew it was his time to go," said longtime family physician Dr. Harold Ditmas, who pronounced the president dead of natural causes at 7:24 a.m. Plans for Bush's funeral have been postponed indefinitely following an unexpected incident in which the president's corpse was sucked through an Air Force One jet engine.

News from the Onion

The Onion is one of the great things in life, no doubt. And one of my favorite features (second only to Rawlings) is the 'American Voices' a.k.a. "What do you think." Not only is it consistantly funny, but since it's based on fact, I often learn some important new fact. Like this - only from them did I learn that Texas elected their first Jewish speaker of the House.

Backpost finished 2009-11-25; the pic is of the guy who - for no real reason - my brother and I think is given the funnier lines.

Dept. Head Rawlings

Yes! How could I have missed it, my favorite Onion dude is back!

See here for more.

The Onion and Lame Duck Bush

I am not a fan of George Bush, as you may have surmised, but I guess I'm an amateur compared to the Onion staff writers who have had a series of "news" stories of brutal maimings of the lame duck President: here, here, here, and here.

The concept is brilliant, as usual for the onion: it's probably criminal to describe fantasies of the president being killed. That'll get the Secret Service up (or down?) your wazoo in a heartbeat. But it's no crime to want the president to be maimed by outside events, is it?

Anyway, some are so brutal, they are hard to read. Yet, I am a fair blogger (much like Fox News), so I'll report, and you decide:

Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks
DECEMBER 4, 2008 | ISSUE 44•49

KANSAS CITY, MO—President Bush sustained serious head injuries, massive internal bleeding, and a broken left leg Monday morning after being accidentally dragged behind the presidential motorcade for a period of 15 minutes. According to Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan, Bush's necktie became caught in the trunk of the motorcade's second vehicle at 4:13 p.m., shortly before the driver accelerated. The president was dragged down 175th Street for 26 blocks and through four stoplights, leaving a trail of blood more than a mile long. Upon hearing shouts emanating from behind his vehicle, the driver abruptly applied the brakes, causing the third car in the motorcade to run over the president's left leg at a speed of approximately 25 miles per hour. President Bush is resting comfortably in Bethesda Naval Hospital.

Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone
NOVEMBER 28, 2008 | ISSUE 44•48

WASHINGTON—President Bush collapsed in the Oval Office after spontaneously expelling a 3-pound kidney stone from his bladder, sources reported Tuesday. According to witnesses, the president was attending his daily Iraq War briefing when he suddenly began shrieking loudly and clutching his abdomen, a mixture of blood and urine pooling rapidly around his feet. Bush was able to maintain consciousness through more than 20 minutes of excruciating pain, even after the jagged, grapefruit-sized crystal aggregation shredded his urethra and dropped from his left pant leg, finally rolling to a stop on the presidential seal in the middle of the Oval Office carpet. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm
NOVEMBER 19, 2008 | ISSUE 44•47

HOMESTEAD, FL— A 14-foot crocodile bit off President Bush's left arm at the shoulder Monday, a White House memo reported. Bush, who was reportedly standing waist-deep in a swamp at Everglades National Park when the crocodile struck, also sustained severe puncture wounds and torn flesh in his hip and upper thigh. According to witnesses, Bush attempted to fend off the large reptile with his left arm, but the crocodile latched onto it above the elbow, dragged the president underwater, and ripped his arm from its socket. Bush's severed arm was unable to be recovered. Doctors confirmed that he will be fitted with a prosthetic limb in a procedure Friday, and that he is currently being treated for sepsis. Bush is resting comfortably in Annapolis Naval Hospital.

Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase
NOVEMBER 12, 2008 | ISSUE 44•46

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush sustained 24 broken bones, massive internal hemorrhaging, and a severe concussion Monday after falling down the entire staircase of the 555-foot-tall Washington Monument. According to White House press secretary Dana Perino, Bush was making his weekly climb to the monument's observation floor when he lost his footing on the top step, slipped, and struck each of the obelisk's 897 stairs with the back of his skull during an uncontrolled descent to the base of the structure. President Bush is resting comfortably in Bethesda Naval Hospital.

Barack Hussein & Karl Christian

Right wing freaks, in an attempt to scare voters away from Obama, make sure to include his middle name in descriptions: Barack Hussein Obama. Of course, this is logical and even defensible (to those who have no concept of nuance or non-literal thought). But I think it's thus appropriate to use Karl Rove's full name: Karl Christian Rove. Is Rove the essence of being Christian the way that the loony-right wants to say Obama is for Husseinism? You be the judge.

Late Update: See this great Onion story: "Barack Obama Defeats Barack Hussein Obama"

Pic made by me using the Wiki image. Backpost finished 2009-12-07.

The Onion and the Jews

Wondeful: Thursday, September 18, 2008 Jewish voters in two states have reported they were asked leading questions during a phone survey intended to discredit Barack Obama and sway their opinion. What do you think?

Ryan Keegan, Machinist: "And right in the middle of Elul, too, when Jews are at their most suggestible."

Ron Gust, Housekeeper: "I'm more concerned by the implication that Republicans carry around a list of Jews."

Amy Powell, Human Resources Manager: "I always forget: What are the two states that have Jews again?"

My Favorite Onion Politics Story

The Onion does an awesome job covering current events, and the 2008 election is no exception. My favorite headline and caption (story is often secondary with the Onion) is this:

Obama's Hillbilly Half-Brother Threatening To Derail Campaign

Onion Analysis

One thing I appreciate about the skill of the Onion is their ability to take any event - especially tragic ones - and find the funny. They did an admirable job after 9/11 (see here). Below is the recent joke they had about Charlton Heston's death that made me think about this:

Charlton Heston's Gun Taken From His Cold, Dead Hands



P.S. for those who don't get the joke, this from the Times obit:

In Mr. Heston, the N.R.A. found its embodiment of pioneer values — pride, independence and valor. In a speech at the N.R.A.’s annual convention in 2000, he brought the audience to its feet with a ringing attack on gun-control advocates. Paraphrasing an N.R.A. bumper sticker ("I’ll give you my gun when you take it from my cold, dead hands"), he waved a replica of a colonial musket above his head and shouted defiantly, "From my cold, dead hands!"

Fun: Onion Tells Truth, Again

The Onion gets a scoop, and they probably know it:

Sabra Hummus: Cedar's Hummus Lacks Experience Necessary To Become America's No. 1 Hummus

NEW YORK—Sabra Hummus blasted rival Cedar's Hummus Monday for lacking the ability, competence, and texture that Americans deserve from their hummus. "People of this country don't want some flash-in-the-pan hummus," said Sabra chairman Yehuda Pearl, adding that Sabra's strong coalition of mashed up chickpeas, sesame tahini, lemon juice, and garlic is virtually unbeatable. "When it's 3 a.m., which hummus do Americans trust for their pita chip–dipping? Some new hummus that makes a lot of promises about taste, or a hummus with over 20 years experience serving the American people?" Critics of both brands say that Sabra and Cedar's are essentially the same, offering citizens no difference in flavor, protein content, and quality

Hummus anecdote: Back in 1991, after living in Israel for a few months, I began to get addicted to hummus (as anyone who lives in Israel for a while will understand). I lived in Efrat, which in '91 was a itty-bitty town that had expectations of grandeur. As proof of the grandeur, they had a real sized supermarket in the center of town, probably the only supermarket south of Jerusalem until you got to Be'er Sheva. Anyway, I would get supplies at the supermarket for my "meal supplements" (the food at my yeshiva was so bad that I actually took to fasting so I could break the fast on real food). The hummus that was exclusively sold at the supermarket, in enormous tubs? Sabra.

Bruce Lee Films

By gender and age, I've been genetically and culturally determined to like Bruce Lee movies. Can't help it - genes and breeding make me want to see talented beat-downs with absurd sound-effects.

Sadly, Lee died after making 1 American movie, the iconic "Enter the Dragon" (which is must seeing for anybody who wants to understand Kung Fu references afterward; it's the martial arts cognate to Planet of the Apes). If you don't understand why a movie/story hero needs to go to a distant island to compete in a tournament in front of a disfigured mastermind (e.g. Mortal Kombat, or The Quest (1996), or Balls of Fury, or this awesome Onion article, and many others [has someone made a list?]) see the movie. Also it allows you to understand spoof that makes the majority of Kentucky Fried Movie.

OK, all that said, I've been searching Netflix for other Bruce Lee films. Sadly, it appears that any non-American movie he made doesn't match the quality of EtD. I rented Fists of Fury (note, there's a whole weirdness about Chinese titles - which were largely interchangeable - and how they were translated, as it is with this film, but whatever) and it's pretty bad.

How bad? Well see this listed "goof" on the IMDB page. I'm not making this goof up, and it's probably the best goof I've ever read: Tang shan da xiong (1971) - Goofs:

Revealing mistakes: When the guard dogs leap at Cheng, they are obviously thrown.

'Obviously thrown'? Oy.

Backpost finished 2009-11-30.

Onion of the Day

Arranged Marriage Reality Series In Production

CBS has picked up a reality show with the working title Arranged Marriage, a program in which contestants’ spouses are selected by friends and family, and the married couples’ lives are then filmed. What do you think?

James Varana,
Service Associate
"That's disgusting. They are ruining the sanctity of reality TV shows."

Susan Feeny,
Claims Adjuster
"They're ripping off that Indian show Marriage Based On Mutual Love And Respect. "

Eric McElhaney,
Legal Assistant
"I don't get Hollywood. What's the difference between this show and my idea to push people out of planes?"

Backpost finished 2009-12-03. PS - our guy wins.

Truth from the Onion

Oh Yes:

"95 Percent Of Opinions Withheld On Visit To Family"

Backpost finished 2009-12-14.

Shel Silverstein: Huuuge Sicko

As I mentioned recently, I've been listening to online novelty radio. A lot. Anyway, the show plays clips of Shel Silverstein reading his poetry/books. While he's known, fondly, for writing and illustrating The Giving Tree, he also has made grotesque things like the mildly vicious "I'm Being Eaten by a Boa Constrictor."

What is it with authors of kid's fiction from the 50s (and before) that somehow assumed that kids love horrifying stories? My three-year old son got a bunch of books by Maurice Sendak, author of the wonderful "Where the Wild Things Are" also wrote a sick story called "Pierre" about a kid who gets eaten by a lion.

I hated these books when growing up. They weren't fun, they were horrifying. When you're a kid, being eaten by wild animals was a real fear (it gets replaced by fear of gays and Muslims when you become an adult). Do kids enjoy this stuff and I was - as is not improbable - just sensitive because of high-IQ and/or high artistic creativity.

In any case, I hope they don't do this stuff in more recent books.

{2009 Update, pic from the Onion - showing that they agree with my assessment.}

The Oniono-Simpson Nexus

Further proof about my claim, made here, about the current humor landscape, this Onion story shows that it is a child of the Simpsons:

Carter Blasts Bush's Foreign Policy

In an interview with the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, former President Jimmy Carter referred to the Bush administration's foreign policy as the "worst in history." What do you think?

Ty Burton, Printmaker

"International relations? I have said this before about Carter, and I will say it again: nerd."

Backpost finished 2009-11-29.

Proof the Onion is Written by Me and My Brother

My brother and I, both born in the very early 70s, have known for a while that the major humor outlets of today - The Simpsons, The Daily Show and The Onion - are all written by our contemporaries/clones. Just like when the Baby Boomers dominated culture for decades - bequeathing us narcissitic neo-Hippie trash for years - now it's my generations' time (thus giving lightning rounds of pop-culture irony). The following Onion story is the final proof I need to show that, indeed, the Onion has been unwittingly albeit happily written by the two of us:

Iran, U.S. Hold Bilateral Talks
The United States and Iran held their first formal talks in 27 years in order to discuss the security of Iraq. What do you think?

Meg Stainer,
Road Construction Worker
"Sky-high gas prices, meeting with Iran, Jimmy Carter in the news, it feels great to be 9 years old again."

Backpost finished 2009-11-2009.

Yes! Dept. Head Rawlings is Back

We all have our petty obsessions. Like all Americans with an above-average Hi-Q (humor-quotient), I'm an avid Onion reader. In fact, during 2000-2002 I subscribed to the print version and the online versions until they made both of them free. Anyway, there's one writer dude whose work has been missing for a while - the guy, or team, who write the Advice Columns and the serial-story columnists.

The Advice Column, "ask a..." are great inside and out. The concepts are usually hilarious (e.g. "Ask a Faulknerian man-child") and the columns contain a hidden narrative which adds even more to the possible humor.

Then there are the specific columnists. For some reason, the Onion churns out great quantities of the columns in the voice of some stoner dude, a bourgois house-frau, and a white Hip-Hop accountant. But the best ones are the internal story lines.

The second best is Gorzo the Mighty - a parody of the space opera genre. But my absolute favorite is Dept Head Rawlings - a parody of spy thrillers.

Check out the first episode: Allow Me To Introduce You To The Other Members Of Alpha Bravo Team.

And just today, after a hiatus of about a year, the newest episode: We Have New Intelligence Regarding The Identity Of The Counter-Spy Within The Department

More!