Song of the Day: "Convoy" by C.W. McCall

One of the all time great novelty songs, Convoy (1975), by C. W. McCall. "All-time," because it's possible that the song launched the CB craze of the 1970s, which connected with concomitant 'fast driving Southerner' craze. Hence without the song, there'd be no Dukes of Hazzard (1979-1985), Clint "My Man" Eastwood's chimp movies, and the entire career of Burt "My Man" Reynolds (cf. Smokey and the Bandit 1976, Hooper 1978, Cannonball Run 1981, etc.).

Many of my all-time-favorite songs are 'story-songs' and this tune was made into at least one movie (regrettable, I've never seen it, but understandable given the cool story). Check out all of McCall's ouvre; he has consistent cool-goodness (which is the opposite of Bad Craziness). I also like snare drum music, and (what Wiki tells me is) Sprechgesang.

The music and lyrics can be found from this French site: C.W. McCall - Convoy. My clot of lawyers explains that you cannot download or use the MP3 on that site unless you purchase the song and/or are French.

Lyrics (fixed by me) [I need to make an annotated version]

(Uh breaker 1-9 this here's the Rubber Duck
you got a copy on me Pig'Pen? C'mon.
Uh yeah 10-4 pig-pen for sure, for sure.
By golly it's clean clear to Flag-town, C'mon.

Yeah that a 10-4 there Pig-Pen, yeah we definitely
got the front door good buddy.
Mercy sakes alive looks like we got us a convoy)

Was the dark of the moon on the
sixth of June in a Kenworth pullin' logs.
Cabover Pete with a reefer on
and a Jimmy Hauling hogs.
We's headin' for bear on I-one-oh
'bout a mile out a shaky-town.
I sez pig-pen this here's a Rubber Duck
and I'm about to put the hammer down.

CHORUS:
(Cause we got a little ol' convoy rockin' thru the night
Yeah we got a little ol' convoy ain't she a beautiful sight
Come on and join our convoy ain't nothin' gonna get it in your way
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy across the USA. Convoy. Convoy)

(Uh breaker Pig-Pen this here's the Duck and a-you wanna back off with them hogs? Uh, 10-4. 'Bout five mile or so, 10. Roger. Them hogs is gettin' in-tense up here.)

By the time we got into Tulsa town we had eighty trucks in all.
But they's a road-block upon the clover-leaf and them bears was all to wall.
Yeah them smokies as thick as bugs on a bumper they even had a bear in the air.
I sez callin' all trucks this here's the duck we about to go a-huntin' bear.

CHORUS

(Uh you wanna gimme a 10-9 on that pig-pen?
Uh negatory pig-pen you're still too close
Yeah them hogs is startin' to close up my sinuses.
Mercy sakes you better back off another ten)

Well we rolled up Interstate 44 like a rocket sled on rails.
We tore up all of our swindle sheets and left 'em settin' on the scales.
By the time we hit that Chi-town them bears was a gettin' smart.
They'd brought up some reinforcements from the Illinois national guard.

There's armored cars and tanks and jeeps and rigs of every size.
Yeah them chicken coops was full of bears and choppers filled the skies.
Well we shot the line and we went for broke with a thousand screamin' trucks.
And 11 long haired friends of Jesus in a chartreuse Micro-bus.

(Oh rubber duck to sod buster come on here yeah 10-4 sod buster
Listen you wanna put that micro-bus in behind that suicide jockey?
Yeah he's haulin' dynamite and he needs all the help he can get)

Well we laid a strip for the Jersey shore, prepared to cross the line.
I could see the bridge was lined with bears but I didn't have a doggone dime.
I said Pig-Pen this here's the Rubber Duck; we just ain't a gonna pay no toll.
So we crashed the gate, doin' 98. I sez 'let them truckers roll.' 10-4.

CHORUS (with catcalls and hoots)

(Uh, 10-4 pig-pen what's your 20? Omaha!?
Well they oughta know what to do with them hogs out there for sure.
Well mercy sakes good buddy we gonna back on out of here.
So keep the bugs off your glass and the bears off your tail,
And we'll ketch ya on the flip-flop.
This here's the Rubber Duck on the side. We gone. Bye Bye.)

This Youtube clip is from some dude who put pictures to the lyrics (an art form which probably has a name, but I don't know it); the song is low-quality, the images even lower, but it's worth a glimpse:

Song of the Day: Dog Police

A favorite from my youth (and my always persistant novelty song obsession). It's especially gratifying when pundit-doyens like Andrew Sullivan don't get it. Hee.



Lyrics:

(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)

Jumped in my car last Saturday night
Had a blind date she was out of sight
She was a chick from the canine scene
Her hair was blue, her teeth were green

Drove down to the Lone Star Bar
Scratched her flea as I parked the car
As the place was full of punks and minks
Got a little table and a couple of drinks

Went to the bathroom and combed my hair
Left my baby at the table there
Looked in the mirror and I wiped my nose
And when I came back, what do you suppose?

The boys in blue had my baby on the floor
They were asking her if she wanted some more
They pulled out a net, they pulled out a leash
They said they were the...

(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
(awooooo)

I guess I should have noticed that box of filled bones
She sniffed the cups in my stereo phone
She barked so much she was on fire
She wented outside and whizzed on my tire

Havin’ those puppies was a little insane
But boy she loved that gravy train
Next time you’re out with a real strange beast
Make sure she’s not wanted by the....

(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)

(Repeat)

Random commentary here.

Song of the Day: Mr. Bass Man

Mr. Bass Man, by Johnny Cymbal. This is a video of the Muppet version (which I may have heard before the original)


Personal Story: I love this song and it turns out so do my two sons who over the past few days have become quite addicted to it. We have a family custom now where I play this song for them on the CD player in my bedroom and my two kids dance to it on top of my (wife and my) bed. The dance consists of them running in circles a few times and then jumping, feet raised, to land on their backsides. Then getting up and running again.

And I do not exaggerate when I say they are addicted. My youngest broke into tears on Friday night when he was told he couldn't do "bays man!" because it was Shabbos. [Shabbos being hard on electronically raised children is another essay.]

Lyrics:

MR. BASS MAN
Johnny Cymbal

(Bop-bop-bop singing by bass voice)

Mr. Bass Man, you've got that certain somethin'
Mr. Bass Man, you set that music thumpin'
To you it's easy when you go 1-2-3, d-d-b-bop-a-bop
(Bass voice: You mean b-b-BOP-p-p-bop bop bop...)
Yeah!

Mr. Bass Man, you're on all the songs
B-did-did-a-boom-boom, B-dit-dit-a-boom-boom-bom
Hey Mr. Bass Man, you're the hidden King of Rock 'n' Roll, d-d-b-bop-a-bop
(Bass voice: No no, b-b-BOP-p-p-bop bop bop...)

It don't mean a thing when the lead is singin'
Or when he goes "Hi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yah"
Hey Mr. Bass Man, I'm askin' just one thing:
Will you teach me? Yeah, will you sing?
'Cause Mr. Bass Man, I wanna be a bass man too, d-d-b-bop-a-bop
(Bass voice: Try this, b-b-BOP-p-p-bop bop bop...)
Hey Mr. Bass Man, I think I'm really with it
B-did-did-a-boom-boom, a-boom-boom-b-dit-dit-dit-dit
C'mon, Mr. Bass Man, now I'm a bass man too, d-d-b-bop-a-bop
(Bass voice: That's it, b-b-BOP-p-p-bop bop bop...)

(Scat bass duet between Johnny & bass voice)

(repeat "It don't mean a thing", etc.)

(scat duet, fading out)

Herb Alpert Appreciation

I didn't know it at the time, but I was positively influenced by the music of Herb Alpert at an impressionable age. One of my favorite films growing up was the deeply psychedelic and incoherent James Bond quasi-spoof Casino Royale (1967). I taped Bond movies off CBS/ABC back in the day and I had no idea that Casino Royale wasn't supposed to be canonical. And it blew my mind. The last quarter of the movie - from the escape from Dr. Noah to the end credits - is one of my favorite movie experiences of all time.

And Herb Albert's music is, pardon the pun, instrumental my experience. His other songs are fun too (see below). I bought the CR soundtrack - yet the best songs aren't on there! I had to make them myself by distilling my DVD into mp3s.

Anyway, when searching online I found this for other fans: Herb Alpert instrumental collection in full length music wavs.

And, here's Homer Simpson's version of Herb's Spanish Flea. Hee Hee.


Backpost finished on 2009-11-26. Pic is the cover of the soundtrack.

The Ultimate Showdown Of Ultimate Destiny

My new favorite song is "The Ultimate Showdown Of Ultimate Destiny" by Lemon Demon. To see why I believe that, check out it's mad music page - especially for the lyrics. And, to get the full effect, see the official flash video.

Ironically, I heard the song *before* I saw the webpage about Chuck Norris... and the song-writers incorporated the cult about Chuck (as well as Batman, Indiana Jones and other favorites).

One reason why I love the song is that it's based on a concept I wrote about a few years ago: a screenplay/comic book idea to pit one hero vs. another. It seems that every male between 20-40 has had the same idea.

Update: Lyrics:

Old Godzilla was hopping around
Tokyo City like a big playground
when suddenly Batman burst from the shade
and hit Godzilla with a Batgrenade
Godzilla got pissed and began to attack
but didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq
who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq Fu
when Aaron Carter came out of the blue

and he started beating up Shaquille O'Neal
then they both got flattened by the Batmobile
but before it could make it back to the Batcave
Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave
and took an AK47 out from under his hat
and blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat
but he ran out of bullets and he ran away
because Optimus Prime came to save the day

this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

Godzilla took a bite out of Optimus Prime
like Scruff McGruff took a bite out of crime
and then Shaq came back covered in a tire track
but Jackie Chan jumped out and landed on his back
and Batman was injured, and trying to get steady
when Abraham Lincoln came back with a machete
but suddenly something caught his leg and he tripped
Indiana Jones took him out with his whip

then he saw Godzilla sneaking up from behind
and he reached for his gun which he just couldn't find
'cause Batman stole it and he shot and he missed
and Jackie Chan deflected it with his fist
then he jumped in the air and did a somersault
while Abraham Lincoln tried to pole vault
onto Optimus Prime, but they collided in the air
then they both got hit by a Care Bear stare, oooh

this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
this is the Ultimate Showdown...

Angels sang out in immaculate chorus
down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris
who deliver a kick which could shatter bones
into the crotch of Indiana Jones
who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain
as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne
but Chuck saw through his clever disguise
and he crushed Batman's head in between his thighs

then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and
Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight and
Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie and
Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie
RoboCop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader
Lo-Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger,
Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan,
Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan
all came out of no where lightning fast
and they kicked Chuck Norris in his cowboy ***
it was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw
with civilians looking on total awe

and the fight raged on for a century
many lives were claimed, but eventually
the champion stood, the rest saw their better:
Mr. Rogers in a bloodstained sweater

this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
this is the Ultimate Showdown...
this is the Ultimate Showdown...
this is the Ultimate Showdown...
of Ultimate Destiny

Canada, the 51st State

The title is not meant to be provocative, or even a joke. As I've mentioned recently, I've been listening - pretty much non-stop - to novelty radio (there are 95 shows, most 2 hours long, 5 gigs on the hard drive). Starting at Oct 22 2005, I've reached show #34 (July 2, 2006) whose topic is "America: Good, Bad & Ugly." There are a few Canadian anti-American type songs, trying to distance themselves from American stereotypes and decrying our crass ignorance and our missiles.

And what I find strange, and what these Canadians hate about people like me, is that I don't actually consider Canada a foreign country. I think of it as a combination of Vermont-Minnesota-Montana. All three states are cold, flat, and filled with White People; all may have cities; all are strange but brother locales.

It helps that Canada actually shares phone area codes with the US; and shares part of Baseball. Yes, our national sport, where we joke about the inappropriate title of "World Series" - yet, it's the only sport where we don't bat an eyelash that it contains non-Americans. And if we decided to do that with Football or Basketball, I don't think there'd be a problem. Note, hockey doesn't count because (basically) it's like baseball in reverse (the Canadians have allowed us to join *their* league).

I make no distinction between Canadian and American actors/celebrities, friends or students. And I'm probably not alone in this. Do people care that Mike Myers, Brendan Fraser (star of "The Good American"), Matthew Perry (what a "Friend"), Kiefer Sutherland ("Jack Freakin' Baeur") are foreigners?


Canadians are just as new a country as we are so there's no need for them to have the European snobbishness to our outre power. Whlie it sounds facile, I want to reassure Canadians that the fact that we consider you Americans is an unprecedented admission by our jingoistic selves. We don't feel that way about any other country. True, we have a special connection with any place that speaks English (so that explains why we - or at least the GOP - detest Mexico, even though much of our country actually came from there), but please interpret our mental incorporation of your country into our Union as sincere flattery.

Internet Obsession Number Five Billion

Like any red-blooded American male, I love me the Internet (or, as it's called, The Internets). True, I often treat my computer as a very large stereo system ("mp3 player" for those of you born after 1990). I was born at just the wrong time in history to still be part of the vinyl record era, so I have many important musics in that medium. But when I was growing up, Audio Tapes were the rage. So I got many of those. Then CDs were introduced. I bought a million or so. Now it's MP3s, and I have reached the zenith.

True, they'll introduce a new medium in a few years - sub-cutaneous organic protein-chain music or something - but I plan to just buy a converting program to smoosh my mp3s into the "amino3" format. This is what I'm doing with my CDs. I have about 1000 CDs and I've spent the past few years ripping them into my computer (and then re-ripping them into my Ipod).

I still haven't acquired the technology to convert those magnetic Audio Tapes into mp3s. I'm sure the devices exist, I just haven't done the research (holding aside the probable fact that I won't be able to figure out the necessary doodads). Until then, I still have lots of old music that's inaccessible: especially my old comedy tapes.

As should be blindingly obvious, I'm a fan of novelty/comedy music. The good stuff. Allan Sherman, Tom Lehrer, Stan Freberg, Ray Stevens, and the Silver Age King: Weird Al Yankovic. I have many tapes of these dudes - legitimately acquired through the teenage art of taping off the radio.

These songs are hard to find and expensive to buy. And I search the web for any snippets of these songs - which I own - in any form (wav, mp3, what-have-you). And two days ago I hit pay-dirt.

Captain Wayne's Mad Music Show is a Dr. Demento style radio show that posts its episodes ONLINE for FREE (or is that "FOR FREE"?). Free, baby, free.

I have since acquired one of the el-dorados of my searching quests: the insanely awesome Stevens and Grdnic "Mr. Wizard" sketch.

The site has a lot of good info on the whole novelty song genre (as well as having the playlists of Dr. Demento going back to the early 80s). So the favorites I mentioned above are again presented, hypertext-style: Allan Sherman, Tom Lehrer, Stan Freberg, Ray Stevens, Weird Al Yankovic.

I've been downloading all the shows (gigs galore) and it makes for a good weeks' worth of listening.

Song Hall of Fame: "The Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen", Ren & Stimpy

Oddly enough, my obsession with Ren & Stimpy is only mentioned once before on the blog. While there is much to dislike about R&S, especially the glacial pacing and almost anything after the first year, there are episodes that are pristine in my eyes. The show is an odd litmus test, you had to have a special attraction to accurate portrayal of edgy, yet cartoonish, psychosis. I understand why people don't like it. But two episodes, Stimpy's Invention and Space Madness are pure art.

The show was known, as well, for their sick humor songs ("Happy Happy, Joy Joy" is the best known). Musically, and humor-ly, the easiest to access is the title of this post: The theme of the Kilted Yaksmen.

Unofficial Website here. Lyrics and trivia from here:

The Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen Theme

Stimpy: Remember the royal anthem of the Kilted Yaksmen! (blows into a pitch pipe and begins singing as a lone piano plays in the background)

Our country reeks of trees,
Our yaks are really large,
And they smell like rotting beefcarcasses!
And we have to clean up after them,
And our saddle sores are the best,
We proudly wear women's clothing
and searing sand blows up our skirts!

(now an organ joins in as Ren begins singing)

Both: And the buzzards, they soar oooo-verhead
And poisonous snakes will devooooour us whole
And our bones will bleach in the sun!

Stimpy: That's it!

Both: And we will probably go to h(fart)ll
And that is our great reward
For being the uh-Rooooyal...
Canadian
Kilted
Yaksmen!

Stimpy: C'mon, everybody!

(now a big orchestra starts playing as various animals such as mudskippers, a whale, etc. start singing in bold, male voices)

Chorus: Our country reeks of trees,
Our yaks are really large,
And they smell like rotting beef carcasses!
And we have to clean up after them,
And our saddle sores are the best,
We proudly wear women's clothing
and searing sand blows up our skirts!
And the buzzards they soar oooo-verhead,
And poisonous snakes will devooooour us whole,
Our bones will bleach in the sun!
And we will probably go to h(fart)ll
And that is our great reward,
For being the uh-Rooooyal...
Canadian
Kilted
Yaksmeeeeeeeeeen!

Backpost finished 2009-12-14.

Poodle Hat

No question, I have not outgrown my supernerd upbringing. There's a new(ish) Weird Al Yankovic album out. I am proud of my heritage! Because he parodies the most catchy of the modern songs, I can listen to the enjoyable music but actually have intelligent lyrics (e.g. instead of Eminem's foulness, we get "Couch Potato."

Speaking of Eminem: the guy is such a macho tough-guy that he refused to let Weird Al make a parody video. Someone should tell Mr. M that machoness is synonymous with *high* self esteem.

For you who are brave enough to embrace your inner (outer) Nerd, please purchase the album (or download it, whatever) and listen to his on-spot homages/spoofs to/of Bob Dylan and Frank Zappa (in "Bob" and the superlative "Genius in France" respectively).

As Al says, "Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait"