Don't Pay the Ferryman, Part 2

As I posted earlier today, I enjoy the song "Don't Pay the Ferryman" and as part of the celebration for this song, I played it for my middle child. He likes the song and was boogying around to it in our living room. When we put him in for a nap, he was still grooving to it and was singing the lyrics (which he made up) at the top of his lungs. Below is a small clip, recorded off the child-monitor audio, of his 20+ minute rendition of "Don't Pay the Ferryman" (lyrics by Chris de Burgh and Jota Minuscula Styx)

Song of the Day: Don't Pay the Ferryman (1982)

The current song of the day is "Don't Pay the Ferryman" (1982) by Chris de Burgh. This song is great because it's part of a good 1970s rock tradition of gothic storytelling, along the lines of Hotel California.

The song is cheesy, but it does what good rock should do: get caught in your head, tell a good story, and allow you to scream out the lyrics in a culturally significant way.



Lyrics (from here):

It was late at night on the open road,
Speeding like a man on the run,
A lifetime spent preparing for the journey;

He is closer now and the search is on,
Reading from a map in the mind,
Yes there's the ragged hill,
And there's the boat on the river. And when the rain came down,
He heard a wild dog howl,
There were voices in the night - "Don't do it!"
Voices out of sight - "Don't do it!
Too many men have failed before,
Whatever you do,

Don't pay the ferryman,
Don't even fix a price,
Don't pay the ferryman,
Until he gets you to the other side;

In the rolling mist, then he gets on board,
Now there'll be no turning back,
Beware that hooded old man at the rudder,
And then the lightning flashed, and the thunder roared,
And people calling out his name,
And dancing bones that jabbered and a-moaned
On the water. And then the ferryman said,
"There is trouble ahead,
So you must pay me now," - "Don't do it!"
"You must pay me now," - "Don't do it!"
And still that voice came from beyond,
"Whatever you do,

Don't pay the ferryman,
Don't even fix a price,
Don't pay the ferryman,
Until he gets you to the other side;

Don't pay - the ferryman!

While I know the song from listening to 'greatest hits of the 80s' albums, others know it because of a priceless scene from MST3K:

Six Million Dollar Man Theme

I have an unnerving love for the theme song of the Six Million Dollar Man - and especially for the opening dialogue. Set to the background of bass-drums in a military cadence the dialogue is stirring, heroic, tragic, and totally cool. The following two versions of the transcript from here (fans should read the whole page):

Version one:
"It looks good at NASA One." Flight Com
"Roger." B-52 Pilot
"BCS Arm switch is on." B-52 Pilot
"Okay, Victor." Flight Com
"Landing Rocket Arm switch is on." B-52 Pilot
"Here comes the throttle." B-52 Pilot
"Circuit breakers in." B-52 Pilot
"We have separation." Steve
"Roger." SR-71 pilot
"Inboard and outboards are on." B-52 Pilot
"I'm comin' forward with the side stick." B-52 Pilot
"Looks good." Flight Com
"Ah, Roger." B-52 Pilot
"I've got a blow-out in damper three!" Steve
"Get your pitch to zero." SR-71 pilot
"Pitch is out! I can't hold altitude!" Steve
"Correction, Alpha Hold is off. . . Threat selector is emergency!" B-52 Pilot
"Flight Con! I can't hold it! She's breaking up, she's break—" Steve

Version Two:
"Oscar to NASA One." Oscar
"Roger." NASA One
"VP is armed switch is on." Victor
"Okay, Victor." Oscar
"Lighting Rods are armed switch is on. Here comes the starter, circuit breakers in." Victor
"We have separation." Victor [This is actually Lee Major's voice, as is the next one.]
"Roger." Oscar
"Inboard and outboards are on. Come a-port with the sidestick." NASA One
"Oscar?" Oscar
"Uh, Roger." NASA One
"I've got a blowout — vapor three!" Oscar
"Get your pitch to zero." NASA One
"Pitch is out — I can't hold altitude." Oscar
"Direction alpha hold is off — try trajectory emergency." NASA One [this may be a reference to the emergency rockets]
"Flight Comm! I can't hold it! She's breaking up, she's break..." Oscar

The above video was made by me combining a pic from here with the sound from here.

Song Hall of Fame: "Law of the Land" by The Temptations

As I've mentioned before, I'm a Temptations fan, and the following song is one of my favorites, not only because of the music, but because it's on a favorite topic: man-made rules of ethics and ettiquete. In Hebrew, the title would be "Derekh Eretz."


Basic lyrics were from here but the transcriber basically got at least one word wrong in every line (no kidding, e.g. the first line is "Some people will always have it made" but he had "Some people are always Heaven made"). Note, answers.com is even worse. There are still some hard-to-decipher parts (marked with ?), but I did my best. Here are my corrected lyrics:

Some people will always have it made
Some people will live in poverty for the rest of their days
Time marches on
Yesterday is better than tomorrow
Life is uncertain, let me hear you say, "Yeah"
Death is final, oh yes, it is
There'll be days of sunshine and laughter
But don't forget you gonna have to shed some tears, oh

CHORUS:
It's the law of the land, my brother, [oh]
Whether you like it or you'll understand, [ah hey hey]
It's the law of the land [hey hey, hey hey]
Laws made by Almighty Man

Live by the good book if you're able
You must lay your cards on top of the table
When you gamble, you either win or lose
In life's everybody's got to pay some dues, well

CHORUS:
It's the law of the land, [well well well]
Whether you'll like it or you'll understand, [you can't change it]
It's the law of the land, [ah how]
Laws made by almighty men, [oh hey]

[BRIDGE]

CHORUS (soprano)
Hey, it's the law, the law of the land
Whether you'll like it or you'll understand
It's the law, the law of the land
Laws made by almighty men

A teacher man can't be found
Until you find yourself, [think about it]
You might not like being who you are... but you'd better start likin' it
'Cause you sure can't be nobody else

In other words, I can't be you, [ain't no quit, yeah]
You can't be me, [well well]
That's how it feels (?), my sisters and brothers
And that's the way that the Good Lord meant to be, [hey ho]

CHORUS:
It's the law of the land, [well]
Whether you like them or you understand, [say say]
It's the law of the land, [hey yeah oh]
Laws made by almighty man [Look at here]

The tools(?) of a man's day is governed by a clock
For your own protection your doors you must lock
What goes around, comes around
And what goes up, [yeah], must come down, [aha]

CHORUS:
It's the law of the land, [well well well well]
Whether you like it or you'll understand
It's the law of the land, [well well well]
Laws made by almighty man, [aha]

It's the law of the land, [everybody else say]
Whether you like them or you understand

Video of the Day: Ich Pooh

I know I shouldn't like Rammstein, but there's a bunch of their stuff which is fun to listen to. Most of the neo-Nazi freaks who like them do so because they like anybody singing in basso-buffo German. Even when the lyrics are innocuous (see below) the freaks think it's about their crazy ideas. This is what happened with Louie Louie.

Sooo, anyway. Probably the best Rammstein song is "Ich Will" (English lyrics below) and some enterprising tech-savvy weirdo decided that the song would go best synched up to Winnie the Pooh and pals:



The lyrics (in English):

I want

I want you to trust me
I want you to believe me
I want to feel your eyes
I want to control every heartbeat

I want to hear your voices
I want to disturb the peace
I want you to see me well
I want you to understand me

I want your fantasy
I want your energy
I want to see your hands
I want to go down in applause

Do you see me?
Do you understand me?
Do you feel me?
Do you hear me?
Can you hear me?
(We hear you)
Can you see me?
(We see you)
Can you feel me?
(We feel you)
I don't understand you

I want

We want you to trust us
We want you to believe everything from us
We want to see your hands
We want to go down in applause - yeah

Can you hear me?
(We hear you)
Can you see me?
(We see you)
Can you feel me?
(We feel you)
I don't understand you

Can you hear us?
(We hear you)
Can you see us?
(We see you)
Can you feel us?
(We feel you)
We don't understand you

I want

See, isn't that fine?

Backpost started 8/15/08, moved up to present day because, who cares.

In Honor of Music

Here's the only version of Hava Nagila* that I can listen to: by hizzoner, Mr. Pulp Fiction Theme Music Himself, Dick Dale:


*=global exception: my eldest son's graduating nursery school class all sang Hava Nagila together (he was one of the "vanishmechas" in his own words). That was nice.

Song of the Day: "Convoy" by C.W. McCall

One of the all time great novelty songs, Convoy (1975), by C. W. McCall. "All-time," because it's possible that the song launched the CB craze of the 1970s, which connected with concomitant 'fast driving Southerner' craze. Hence without the song, there'd be no Dukes of Hazzard (1979-1985), Clint "My Man" Eastwood's chimp movies, and the entire career of Burt "My Man" Reynolds (cf. Smokey and the Bandit 1976, Hooper 1978, Cannonball Run 1981, etc.).

Many of my all-time-favorite songs are 'story-songs' and this tune was made into at least one movie (regrettable, I've never seen it, but understandable given the cool story). Check out all of McCall's ouvre; he has consistent cool-goodness (which is the opposite of Bad Craziness). I also like snare drum music, and (what Wiki tells me is) Sprechgesang.

The music and lyrics can be found from this French site: C.W. McCall - Convoy. My clot of lawyers explains that you cannot download or use the MP3 on that site unless you purchase the song and/or are French.

Lyrics (fixed by me) [I need to make an annotated version]

(Uh breaker 1-9 this here's the Rubber Duck
you got a copy on me Pig'Pen? C'mon.
Uh yeah 10-4 pig-pen for sure, for sure.
By golly it's clean clear to Flag-town, C'mon.

Yeah that a 10-4 there Pig-Pen, yeah we definitely
got the front door good buddy.
Mercy sakes alive looks like we got us a convoy)

Was the dark of the moon on the
sixth of June in a Kenworth pullin' logs.
Cabover Pete with a reefer on
and a Jimmy Hauling hogs.
We's headin' for bear on I-one-oh
'bout a mile out a shaky-town.
I sez pig-pen this here's a Rubber Duck
and I'm about to put the hammer down.

CHORUS:
(Cause we got a little ol' convoy rockin' thru the night
Yeah we got a little ol' convoy ain't she a beautiful sight
Come on and join our convoy ain't nothin' gonna get it in your way
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy across the USA. Convoy. Convoy)

(Uh breaker Pig-Pen this here's the Duck and a-you wanna back off with them hogs? Uh, 10-4. 'Bout five mile or so, 10. Roger. Them hogs is gettin' in-tense up here.)

By the time we got into Tulsa town we had eighty trucks in all.
But they's a road-block upon the clover-leaf and them bears was all to wall.
Yeah them smokies as thick as bugs on a bumper they even had a bear in the air.
I sez callin' all trucks this here's the duck we about to go a-huntin' bear.

CHORUS

(Uh you wanna gimme a 10-9 on that pig-pen?
Uh negatory pig-pen you're still too close
Yeah them hogs is startin' to close up my sinuses.
Mercy sakes you better back off another ten)

Well we rolled up Interstate 44 like a rocket sled on rails.
We tore up all of our swindle sheets and left 'em settin' on the scales.
By the time we hit that Chi-town them bears was a gettin' smart.
They'd brought up some reinforcements from the Illinois national guard.

There's armored cars and tanks and jeeps and rigs of every size.
Yeah them chicken coops was full of bears and choppers filled the skies.
Well we shot the line and we went for broke with a thousand screamin' trucks.
And 11 long haired friends of Jesus in a chartreuse Micro-bus.

(Oh rubber duck to sod buster come on here yeah 10-4 sod buster
Listen you wanna put that micro-bus in behind that suicide jockey?
Yeah he's haulin' dynamite and he needs all the help he can get)

Well we laid a strip for the Jersey shore, prepared to cross the line.
I could see the bridge was lined with bears but I didn't have a doggone dime.
I said Pig-Pen this here's the Rubber Duck; we just ain't a gonna pay no toll.
So we crashed the gate, doin' 98. I sez 'let them truckers roll.' 10-4.

CHORUS (with catcalls and hoots)

(Uh, 10-4 pig-pen what's your 20? Omaha!?
Well they oughta know what to do with them hogs out there for sure.
Well mercy sakes good buddy we gonna back on out of here.
So keep the bugs off your glass and the bears off your tail,
And we'll ketch ya on the flip-flop.
This here's the Rubber Duck on the side. We gone. Bye Bye.)

This Youtube clip is from some dude who put pictures to the lyrics (an art form which probably has a name, but I don't know it); the song is low-quality, the images even lower, but it's worth a glimpse:

Song of the Day: Dog Police

A favorite from my youth (and my always persistant novelty song obsession). It's especially gratifying when pundit-doyens like Andrew Sullivan don't get it. Hee.



Lyrics:

(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)

Jumped in my car last Saturday night
Had a blind date she was out of sight
She was a chick from the canine scene
Her hair was blue, her teeth were green

Drove down to the Lone Star Bar
Scratched her flea as I parked the car
As the place was full of punks and minks
Got a little table and a couple of drinks

Went to the bathroom and combed my hair
Left my baby at the table there
Looked in the mirror and I wiped my nose
And when I came back, what do you suppose?

The boys in blue had my baby on the floor
They were asking her if she wanted some more
They pulled out a net, they pulled out a leash
They said they were the...

(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
(awooooo)

I guess I should have noticed that box of filled bones
She sniffed the cups in my stereo phone
She barked so much she was on fire
She wented outside and whizzed on my tire

Havin’ those puppies was a little insane
But boy she loved that gravy train
Next time you’re out with a real strange beast
Make sure she’s not wanted by the....

(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)

(Repeat)

Random commentary here.

Song of the Day: Mr. Bass Man

Mr. Bass Man, by Johnny Cymbal. This is a video of the Muppet version (which I may have heard before the original)


Personal Story: I love this song and it turns out so do my two sons who over the past few days have become quite addicted to it. We have a family custom now where I play this song for them on the CD player in my bedroom and my two kids dance to it on top of my (wife and my) bed. The dance consists of them running in circles a few times and then jumping, feet raised, to land on their backsides. Then getting up and running again.

And I do not exaggerate when I say they are addicted. My youngest broke into tears on Friday night when he was told he couldn't do "bays man!" because it was Shabbos. [Shabbos being hard on electronically raised children is another essay.]

Lyrics:

MR. BASS MAN
Johnny Cymbal

(Bop-bop-bop singing by bass voice)

Mr. Bass Man, you've got that certain somethin'
Mr. Bass Man, you set that music thumpin'
To you it's easy when you go 1-2-3, d-d-b-bop-a-bop
(Bass voice: You mean b-b-BOP-p-p-bop bop bop...)
Yeah!

Mr. Bass Man, you're on all the songs
B-did-did-a-boom-boom, B-dit-dit-a-boom-boom-bom
Hey Mr. Bass Man, you're the hidden King of Rock 'n' Roll, d-d-b-bop-a-bop
(Bass voice: No no, b-b-BOP-p-p-bop bop bop...)

It don't mean a thing when the lead is singin'
Or when he goes "Hi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yah"
Hey Mr. Bass Man, I'm askin' just one thing:
Will you teach me? Yeah, will you sing?
'Cause Mr. Bass Man, I wanna be a bass man too, d-d-b-bop-a-bop
(Bass voice: Try this, b-b-BOP-p-p-bop bop bop...)
Hey Mr. Bass Man, I think I'm really with it
B-did-did-a-boom-boom, a-boom-boom-b-dit-dit-dit-dit
C'mon, Mr. Bass Man, now I'm a bass man too, d-d-b-bop-a-bop
(Bass voice: That's it, b-b-BOP-p-p-bop bop bop...)

(Scat bass duet between Johnny & bass voice)

(repeat "It don't mean a thing", etc.)

(scat duet, fading out)

Video of the Day: Sabotage

Also, song of the day.



This is my favorite Beastie Boys song (they are largely irritating, but there's a half-dozen I like). The video really makes the song; the Boys are in my generation (they're 6-8 yrs older) and they grew up with (and are likely as obsessed with) 70s cop shows as I did/am. And the video is a narrative (which make the best videos - and songs) about a slamming TV show that I'd like to see.

Update, Lyrics:

I Can't Stand It, I Know You Planned It
Ima Set It Straight, This Watergate
I Can't Stand Rockin' When I'm In Here
'Cause Your Crystal Ball Ain't So Crystal Clear
So, While You Sit Back And Wonder Why
I Got This Fucking Thorn In My Side
Oh My God, It's A Mirage
I'm Tellin' Y'all It's Sabotage

So,So,So, So Listen Up 'Cause You Can't Say Nothin'
You Shut Me Down With A Push Of Your Button
But yo, I'm Out And I'm Gone
I'll Tell You Now I Keep It On And On

'Cause What You See You Might Not Get
And We Can Bet, So Don't You Get Souped Yet
Scheming On A Thing That's A Mirage
I'm Tryin' To Tell You Now It's Sabotage

Why; Our Backs Are Now Against The Wall
Listen All Of Y'all This Is Sabotage
Listen All Of Y'all This Is Sabotage
Listen All Of Y'all This Is Sabotage
Listen All of Y'all This Is Sabotage

I Can't Stand It, I Know You Planned It
I'ma Set It Straight This Watergate
I Can't Stand Rockin' When I'm In This Place
Because I Feel Disgrace Because You're All In My Face
But Make No Mistakes And Switch Up My Channel
I'm Buddy Rich When I Fly Off The Handle
What Could It Be, It's A Mirage
You're Scheming On A Thing That's Sabotage

Song Hall of Fame: Suite: Judy Blue Eyes

New Feature: A new, and likely irregular, feature is to explore specific songs that I put into my favorite 'hall of fame.' I'll try to find decent lyrics and the back-story, and explain my relationship to the song and why I think it's so good.

Suite: Judy Blue Eyes by Crosby, Stills, Nash and sometimes Young

Lyrics: Suite: Judy Blue Eyes;

It's getting to the point
Where I'm no fun any more
I am sorry
Sometimes it hurts
So badly I must cry out loud
I am lonely

I am yours
You are mine
You are what you are
You make it hard

Remember what we've said, and done
And felt about each other
Babe, have mercy
Don't let the past remind us
Of what we are not now
I am not dreaming

I am yours
You are mine
You are what you are
You make it hard

Tearing yourself
Away from me now, you are free
And I am crying
This does not mean
I don't love you, I do, that's forever
Yes, and for always

I am yours
You are mine
You are what you are
You make it hard

Something inside
Is telling me that I've got your secret
Are you still listening?
Fear is the lock
And laughter the key to your heart
And I love you

I am yours
You are mine
You are what you are
You make it hard
And you make it hard
And you make it hard
And you make it hard

Friday evening
Sunday in the afternoon
What have you got to lose?
Tuesday morning
Please be gone, I'm tired of you
What have you got to lose?

Can I tell it like it is
(Catch me I'm falling)
Listen to me baby
It's my heart that's suffering
(Catch me I'm dying)
It's dyin' and that's what I have to lose

I've got an answer
I'm going to fly away
What have I got to lose?
Will you come see me
Thursdays and Saturdays
What have you got to lose?

Chestnut brown canary
Ruby throated sparrow
Sing a song, don't be long
Thrill me to the marrow

Voices of the angels
Ring around the moonlight
Asking me, said she's so free
How can you catch the sparrow?

Lacy lilting lyric
Losing love lamenting
Change my life, make it right
Be my lady

Que alegria me traiga Cuba (or: Que linda me la traiga Cuba
La reina de la Mar Caribe
Que cielo sol que lo tengan alli (or: Cielo sol no tiene sangreahi)
Y que triste que no puedo vaya
Oh va, oh va, va.

Loose translation of the Spanish lyrics:
What joy Cuba brings to me,
The Queen of the Caribbean Sea.
What sunny skies they have there,
And how sad it is that I cannot go.
Oh go, oh go, go.

Song Facts (from here):

• Stephen Stills wrote this about his then-girlfriend, Folk singer Judy Collins. In their 1991 boxed set, Stills said: "It started out as a long narrative poem about my relationship with Judy Collins. It poured out of me over many months and filled several notebooks. I had a hell of a time getting the music to fit. I was left with all these pieces of song and I said, 'Let's sing them together and call it a suite,' because they were all about the same thing and they led up to the same point."
  
  
• This runs 7:22. The single is three minutes shorter then the album version. Many FM radio stations played the album cut.
  
  
• The last verse is in Spanish and is about Cuba. It was sung in Spanish because Stephen Stills didn't want it easily understood since it had little to do with the theme of the song. Stills put that part in simply because the song had gone on forever and he didn't want it to just lay there at the end. (thanks, Brian -Grand Forks, ND)
  
  
• Here's the translation: How nice it will (or would) be to take you to Cuba The queen of the Caribbean Sea I only want to visit you there And how sad that I can't, damn! (thanks, Zac - San Antonio, TX)
  
  
• The title is a play on words. "Suite" is a reference to a part of a classical composition, but it can also be interpreted as "Sweet."
  
  
• This wasn't their first single, or even their biggest, but certainly one of Crosby, Stills and Nash's most well-known songs. It established the harmony style that would be the group's trademark for years to come.
  
  
• This opened Crosby, Stills and Nash's set at Woodstock in 1969. The event ran long, so they didn't go on stage until 3am the third night (The Who set a precedent by going on at 3am the night before). They played 16 songs in their set, the first 9 acoustic and the last 7 electric. Those who left to get to work Monday morning not only missed Crosby, Stills and Nash, but didn't see Jimi Hendrix close out the festival.
  
  
• Crosby, Stills and Nash played this at Live Aid in 1985. Organized by Bob Geldof, Live Aid was a benefit for famine relief in Africa. Crosby, Stills and Nash also played "Teach Your Children" and "Southern Cross."
  
  
• Nash Stephen Stills spoke to Rolling Stone magazine about this song: "It was the beginnings of three different songs that suddenly fell together as one. Actually on the demo the middle part is not exactly how they would play. Half of it is it just falls off in its own — but we actually split it in half, and they got started singing and boom, there it went. Once it all was there then we just kept adding parts. When I wrote it I used cardboard shirt-blocking, you know those things from the cleaner's — 'cause they were harder to lose than pieces of paper and they didn't crumple up. I could line them up on music stands and they'd stand up."
  
  
• Nash revealed to Rolling Stone that of the CS&N trio, Stills was the only to play on this song. All three contributed vocals.

Other Notes

• Lyrics and Chords:
• Rolling Stone page.

Pic is of cover of the album. Backpost finished on 2009-11-25; it's weird, the whole post was basically done I don't understand why I didn't just publish then.

Stranglehold

It's deadly deadline time again. Last time, the song I played over and over was "Time is Running Out". This time it's Ted Nugent's "Stranglehold." I was never much of a Nugent fan (he's a total wacko on and off the stage), but, being a music fan, over the years I've purchased and otherwise acquired as many 'Best of' albums so to sample the full gamut of the popular music landscape.

All I knew of Nugent was "Cat Scratch Fever" - an OK song with good guitar-work. But after listening to his "Best Of" I realized that the man swings a truly mean axe. And I fell in love with "Stranglehold" - an eight minute song with asinine lyrics that is basically a guitar Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida: a thorough-going exposition on what the electric guitar can do.

Here's a youtube someone put up of with pictures of the Nuge set to the full studio version of Stranglehold.

What I'm playing is my collection of Strangleholds from the studio, live, and bootleg albums.

Update: Another searcher.

The Ultimate Showdown Of Ultimate Destiny

My new favorite song is "The Ultimate Showdown Of Ultimate Destiny" by Lemon Demon. To see why I believe that, check out it's mad music page - especially for the lyrics. And, to get the full effect, see the official flash video.

Ironically, I heard the song *before* I saw the webpage about Chuck Norris... and the song-writers incorporated the cult about Chuck (as well as Batman, Indiana Jones and other favorites).

One reason why I love the song is that it's based on a concept I wrote about a few years ago: a screenplay/comic book idea to pit one hero vs. another. It seems that every male between 20-40 has had the same idea.

Update: Lyrics:

Old Godzilla was hopping around
Tokyo City like a big playground
when suddenly Batman burst from the shade
and hit Godzilla with a Batgrenade
Godzilla got pissed and began to attack
but didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq
who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq Fu
when Aaron Carter came out of the blue

and he started beating up Shaquille O'Neal
then they both got flattened by the Batmobile
but before it could make it back to the Batcave
Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave
and took an AK47 out from under his hat
and blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat
but he ran out of bullets and he ran away
because Optimus Prime came to save the day

this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

Godzilla took a bite out of Optimus Prime
like Scruff McGruff took a bite out of crime
and then Shaq came back covered in a tire track
but Jackie Chan jumped out and landed on his back
and Batman was injured, and trying to get steady
when Abraham Lincoln came back with a machete
but suddenly something caught his leg and he tripped
Indiana Jones took him out with his whip

then he saw Godzilla sneaking up from behind
and he reached for his gun which he just couldn't find
'cause Batman stole it and he shot and he missed
and Jackie Chan deflected it with his fist
then he jumped in the air and did a somersault
while Abraham Lincoln tried to pole vault
onto Optimus Prime, but they collided in the air
then they both got hit by a Care Bear stare, oooh

this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
this is the Ultimate Showdown...

Angels sang out in immaculate chorus
down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris
who deliver a kick which could shatter bones
into the crotch of Indiana Jones
who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain
as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne
but Chuck saw through his clever disguise
and he crushed Batman's head in between his thighs

then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and
Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight and
Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie and
Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie
RoboCop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader
Lo-Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger,
Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan,
Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan
all came out of no where lightning fast
and they kicked Chuck Norris in his cowboy ***
it was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw
with civilians looking on total awe

and the fight raged on for a century
many lives were claimed, but eventually
the champion stood, the rest saw their better:
Mr. Rogers in a bloodstained sweater

this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
this is the Ultimate Showdown...
this is the Ultimate Showdown...
this is the Ultimate Showdown...
of Ultimate Destiny

Credit

Unlike TPM, Andrew Sullivan does not seem to acknowledge his contributors by name/initials. Such is life. In any case, I feel gratified that he used a link I sent him. See The Shining as a Romantic Comedy.



P.S. The song at the end, "Solsbury Hill" by Peter Gabirel, is one of the best songs ever made in the history of the Universe. Just sayin'...

Song Hall of Fame: "My Wife", The Who

The cognoscenti have long said that "Who's Next" is the Who's best album. I can't judge well, because I would only buy the albums the cognoscenti talked about, so I don't have what to compare. I'm hoping that the new music technology revolution (ringtones? subcutaneous CIA implants?) that destroyed records will go against CDs just enough to keep them both cheap yet in circulation... so I can buy enough to judge on my own.

In any case, "Who's Next" is very good and a song that had run through my head over and over was "My Wife." I hadn't bothered looking at the lyrics, but whatever I could make out made no sense. First of all, I thought it was "My Life" and the first line was "My life is in the Chesapeake" and after that I could only make out occasional phrases "machine gun" "aeroplane" "lead boots" - which go with each other but not with the Chesapeake.

Anyway, just now I decided to get the real lyrics. They're hilarious.

The first stanza:

My life's in jeopardy
Murdered in cold blood is what I'm gonna be
I ain't been home since Friday night
And now my wife is coming after me

Not that my wife is anything like this (nor I - there's something characteristically British about weekend-long booze benders).

Give me police protection
Gonna buy a gun so
I can look after number one
Give me a bodyguard
A back belt Judo expert with a machine gun

None of these funny words are enunciated well enough to make out. But now I can chuckle with the cognoscenti.

2009 Update: Some nice dude put up the song with corresponding lyrics on Youtube.

Song Hall of Fame: "The Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen", Ren & Stimpy

Oddly enough, my obsession with Ren & Stimpy is only mentioned once before on the blog. While there is much to dislike about R&S, especially the glacial pacing and almost anything after the first year, there are episodes that are pristine in my eyes. The show is an odd litmus test, you had to have a special attraction to accurate portrayal of edgy, yet cartoonish, psychosis. I understand why people don't like it. But two episodes, Stimpy's Invention and Space Madness are pure art.

The show was known, as well, for their sick humor songs ("Happy Happy, Joy Joy" is the best known). Musically, and humor-ly, the easiest to access is the title of this post: The theme of the Kilted Yaksmen.

Unofficial Website here. Lyrics and trivia from here:

The Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen Theme

Stimpy: Remember the royal anthem of the Kilted Yaksmen! (blows into a pitch pipe and begins singing as a lone piano plays in the background)

Our country reeks of trees,
Our yaks are really large,
And they smell like rotting beefcarcasses!
And we have to clean up after them,
And our saddle sores are the best,
We proudly wear women's clothing
and searing sand blows up our skirts!

(now an organ joins in as Ren begins singing)

Both: And the buzzards, they soar oooo-verhead
And poisonous snakes will devooooour us whole
And our bones will bleach in the sun!

Stimpy: That's it!

Both: And we will probably go to h(fart)ll
And that is our great reward
For being the uh-Rooooyal...
Canadian
Kilted
Yaksmen!

Stimpy: C'mon, everybody!

(now a big orchestra starts playing as various animals such as mudskippers, a whale, etc. start singing in bold, male voices)

Chorus: Our country reeks of trees,
Our yaks are really large,
And they smell like rotting beef carcasses!
And we have to clean up after them,
And our saddle sores are the best,
We proudly wear women's clothing
and searing sand blows up our skirts!
And the buzzards they soar oooo-verhead,
And poisonous snakes will devooooour us whole,
Our bones will bleach in the sun!
And we will probably go to h(fart)ll
And that is our great reward,
For being the uh-Rooooyal...
Canadian
Kilted
Yaksmeeeeeeeeeen!

Backpost finished 2009-12-14.