Review: The Return of the King, a.k.a. The Very Exciting Movie with 9 Endings

Saw Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, The (2003) last night with the wife. Very exciting action; unbelievable really. Takes massive battle scenes to a new level; a combination of "Empire Strikes Back" and "Braveheart." Scary, though; I wouldn't bring children under 13 to see it (of course it's *rated* PG-13, but parents need to take that seriously). It really should be rated R, but that's kept now for movies which used to be rated X.

The 9 endings were annoying (especially after I had drunk a medium soft-drink and needed to see Ewashrum, the Lord of Porcelin). The director, Jackson, just couldn't figure out when to end it. He should have just stopped with the "bow to the Hobbits" scene and left the last 20 minutes for the DVD special edition.

As it is, he probably cost himself the Oscar. And all for greed. Not money greed, but artistic greed - he felt he had the muscle to inflict his "vision" on the consumers. That type of hubris created stinkers like "Heaven's Gate" and Jackson may be robbed of his Best Picture, and even Director, because of it.

For instance, Mystic River (2003) is perfect Oscar fodder. I haven't seen it; I hope that I live my life well and will never be subjected to it. It's about four boys, one who was abducted and raped, and the adults they become and how they handle, uh, things. Sounds perfect. My man Clint directed, and bully for him, and it got a great review from (of all people) Stephen King. But its an Oscar cliché that the winner needs to be hyperbolic dramaturgic treacle. A great fantasy yarn, that evinced superlative directorial skills and a gifted narrative vision, stands little chance against a child molesting, slow paced drama with Sean Freakin Penn and (drum roll please) Kevin Bacon.