Tuna Fish

Friday is Tuna Fish day where I work. One rule of life, enforced by Bernie Mac (who will seek out violators personally to inflict "boot to rear" surgery), is to never disrespect those who give you food. Especially gratis. As part of my generous package at the shul, I get breakfast and lunch with the school. Yum.

But I will take some time to muse about the "what if" world where Tuna Fish was never invented. Why exactly it worked its way into mass production is a mystery. It's our number one item of strange lunch filler to compare with other countries. Like how in Europe they regularly eat bizarre foods (e.g. Sweden eats pickled moose doots on Kaiser rolls, the British eat Marmite which was developed during WWII as a epoxy substitute). So when a Swede or Brit comes to America, they must treat Tuna Fish as their "make fun of American foods back home" food.

Another food mystery is about Peanut Butter. The school can no longer serve it - even to faculty. Some kids, if there is a single molecule of Peanut Butter (periodic table symbol "Go" for "goober") in the atmosphere, will die on the spot. So bad is the situation that Peanut Butter has been declared a Weapon of Mass Destruction by Bush Jr. (because that's all they found so far; the Iraqi Brand of course, "Jihif").

We live in a strange world where weeks old fish soaked in raw egg paste is more benign than processed legumes.

Any of you Styxen who study epidemiology take a look at this peanut thing, please, for me. It's getting absurd. Lactose intolerance I understand - I mean, if people were meant to drink milk then God would have made milk spurt from the human body! But peanuts?? Maybe it’s a kitniyot thing.